Bonobos Flee Slovenia en Masse after Gay Marriage Referendum

images (10)Slovenia, which had the largest collection of bonobo monkeys in Europe until now was unprepared for the mass breakout from the Ljubljana and Škofija Loka zoos last night after the results of the gay marriage referendum came in at nearly 2 to 1 against, with over 60% of the population abstaining. The tollway was closed from 11 pm until 5 am as the 1000 plus apes gathered near Logatec for the group romp toward the border fence at Dragonja, which they scaled like so many wily Syrians. Although Croatian authorities had been alerted, they were unprepared to deal with the number, strength and diversionary strategies of these smartest and most sexually active of simians. A spokesman from Škofija Loka, the only man in Slovenia who speaks bonobo, said plans for an escape had been in the works for some time, as these omnisexual beasts feared that the logical next step was to prevent g-g rubbing (two female apes rubbing genitalia, a favorite bonobo practice, for females) in front of children, who, a bonobo spokesman pointed out, were never invited by them to watch. ‘When they brought us here they just said act natural, so we have been.’ Another bonobo practice that has had the church up in arms is that of greeting each other by fornicating. ‘What better way to say hello,’ the spokesape said, and the translator concurred. ‘When a bonobo says hello, you can be sure it’s sincere.’

One human gay couple, who wished to remain anonymous, were interviewed and expressed concern that two more places where gay people were welcome in Slovenia would now be shut down. ‘And now that the translator has been arrested on suspicion of bestiality, who knows what’s next?’

Officer Loyze Škrobnik of the highway patrol said that the apes were remarkable orderly, with few exceptions. ‘It struck me as a sort of planned panic. Most of them stuck to the center line and southbound, but groups of up to fifty or more were on the wrong side, many having been confused by the Postojna ‘crossroads’. ‘Anyway, from what I was told, they frequently tend to cross over.’ Few cars were damaged and no humans injured. But it was necessary to close the highway.

These shit tossers, beloved of children, the third greatest tourist attraction in Slovenia after Lake Bled and the killing squares of Celje, are unlikely to be persuaded to return. ‘Every last one is gone,’ the translator said, arms behind his back, handcuffed. ‘I was told that such a referendum in the past has always led to a resurgence of so-called family and church values, and even though Slovenes are called Catholic despite the fact that fewer than 10% actually follow Catholic practices, they were taking no chances.’ Some had been captured in Uganda, many volunteering to travel to what they thought was a free country.

Only a dozen of the apes is in custody in Croatia, at a holding pen in Pazin. They were caught in pairs, having stopped to fornicate or g-g rub (eight females and four males, according to our sources).

Church officials responded with a shrug. ‘Good riddance to bad rubbing. Now maybe our young people will keep their hands out of their pants until the church has had time to instil appropriate manners into them. That is, after marriage, and by marriage we mean one male and one female, unpregnant. If necessary, we will have representatives of the Bishopric of Salzburg come down here to straighten people out.’

Croatian and Slovene authorities working together have asked the public to keep an eye out for these ringleaders:

images (92)

One comment on “Bonobos Flee Slovenia en Masse after Gay Marriage Referendum

  1. annainpdx says:

    Loved this one! Must show my stepmom who wrote a novel about bonobo vs human

    Like

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