Letters from Uzbekistan: Sex Tourism

Dear PresidentTrump,

First, old business. We have photos of the subjects your representative mentioned at every border in the country and have closed all taxi access pizza parlors. (Note to RH: parlors is ok here?).

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Quickly on to new business, and happily so. Our offer has expanded ten-fold since the false revelations regarding a practice that has already been, we would like to think, brought to its highest level of artistry in our country, what we call the ‘Gulna Torrent’. Historically the art has had many names.

We have also taken your advice and expanded the range of our offer so that we now have the utterly (Rh: absolutely?) exclusive (Presidential Primo, Corporate Cameo, Diplomat Dip) all the way down to the, as your man said to me in private, which I am sure is on the tapes, the ‘freestreet’. Our Pigalle!


We have also revised our slogan to a more globally, yet nationally appropriate verse. As I explained to your man, Uzbekistan is geographically endorheic, which means that what flows in never flows out. So try this: What Spurts (RH: drips? seems, you know, weak. Maybe you can think of something else?) in Uzbekistan Stays in Uzbekistan!

Mr. Mirzyoyez looks forward to your visit, which can be arranged to coincide with that of any other state leader!


Arslan Levantinov, Minister of Tourism

(Note: I received this letter just a few days ago and have yet to get to the changes. RH)




From the novel, in progress, Balkan Picaresque



The narrator, a Macedonian ne’er-do-well, master of languages and thief is just encountering an American, from the US:


Europeans—to the extent we know what we are talking about here–are fond of saying that whilst they abhor America, they are generous enough to like the individuals hatched there. If I may speak for those of us without a continent of our own, and be excused for what you misconstrue as bitterness, we feel that there is no point in despising a people if we don’t despise the people comprising those people. I may not be an Albanian—I assure you—and we all hate Albanians—if you need to be reminded—but we all of us know and love some of them—even the most phrothilous despiser of Albanians has been caught off guard, liking a fellow who turns out to be Albanian, but so as not to be a hypocrite he (we) will determine that a certain Albanianism is lacking in this particular specimen: surely this one does not clean his ass with the same filthy water day after day, wiping with the same unwashed hands we have just embraced with our own, kissing his spotless face thrice upon greeting, and if he is reproducing at seventeen times the local rate, surely the intent is not to acquire our apartment, for we have seen with our own eyes that he has a swell enough apartment of his own; if he were out to colonize my birthright by birth record, he would hardly be sending half his pay check back to Albania where they, as he has told us humbly, as if it were a slip, all drive a Mercedes (which is where the real paperwork prestidigitation is necessary at those pauperous prices). But an American, an American is no person, even where he’s a minority he can’t even manage that, maybe he’s an individual but hardly a person, no, he’s a peacekeeper and a bomber, a target-picker and a panderer, a spy, a slaver, an advance man, an opportunist, a derelict dandy, a money changer, a Christ killer, a fiend, a lopo, a Barabbas, a Roman, a sadist, an asswipe, a bootlick, a stool pigeon, a fartsniffer, a computer terrorist, an extortionist, a pestilence, a tsetse fly, a ripe turd, a secular pederast, a market manipulator, an oil man, a Texan, a drawling down home damnum fatale, a grave digger, a buzzard, a baalbuster, a blusterer, a blowhard, a recrudescence, a redundancy, a shithouse stain, a collapsible shelter, a mongerer, a mongoloid, a Mongol, a menace, a martinet, a myrmidon, a withering zeitgeist, a grotesque waltzschmertzer making merrily away into the night with your mistress, an abomination to, an accessory to, a situational chimera, a proud perfidy, a vagitus, a prevaricator, a varix of the mindscape, a limpid dick in a scumpond, a margrave in a sewer, a coprophagite, a bescumberer, a diarrhetic, a creature of habit, a tool, an agomphious gobbling gourmet of graft, a shithead, a real fucking shithead, never mind if he’s a moron, he’s still a detumescence of humanity (one-eyed sceptre of the scumpond), an indespumatable desquamation, a compulsively defalcating defecation, rabiesed, distempered, a lupine lunkheaded lord of a laissez faired Laloplegia, a dungdiver, a donkey’s ass, an ass’ dong, an inkpen plague, a serial serial-killer, a momentum, a grab your ass, a tic on the face of the globe, a tumor, a cancer, bursitis, an advanced rheum, a frenetic arthritic, a travelling salesman, a yes man, a naysayer, a nabob, a billybob, a deflated boob, an electronic dartboard, computerized juke box, a handcuffer, a torturer, a worm, a rat, a squealer, a profiteer, an encloser, a bandyleg, a marfan, a class issue, a plainsman, a maggot, a carcass and a maggot, a stick in your eye, an obelus in the sentence of history, an hysteria in the belch of time, a fargalator, an obituarial factotum, the breath of Satan, the sulphur of Sodom, the shame of God, the indisputable of Bog te jebo, a red herringbone tarbaby suit, a suit passing for a man, a haircut passing for a suit, a suitcase passed to a client, a flagellator, a hurricane of cause and effect, a hoary can of tuna, a whore hefting the fasces of Fata Morgana, a boar sucking the feces of a fat Congobwana, that is to say a Lumumbaslayer sucking at the tit of an elephantiascine Tsetseseko, a gaffer, a troll, a gargoyle, the new therianthropic (dinar is served), a theroid hormone, a phetid pheromone, a steroid glutimus, a phlegmon, a gogged magog maygog gag ye whilst a Magyar rape your sister, a bahinchut, a bonehead, a bean counter, a cuntslapper, a hypocrite, a sanguinopurulence, a carpet buggerer, a sarcoughing guest, a tuber and a tubercule, a laugh a lung so laugh along alone, a tweezer, a persisting geezer, a gook killer, a nigger hanger, a spic spanker, a wop wanker, a wogswallower, a wife beater, a Don Cheney, a Lon Chaney, a Henry Kissinger, a home wrecker, a hands-off phrenologist, a fallen Semen, a fanged cherub, a deserted island in a sea of troubles, a gonorrhealpolitiker, a gunboat diplomatist without a degree, a furfuration, a scurvy, a blight, a bloat, a beaver shooter, a groping uncle, a carbuncle, a furuncle, a regulatory cystemselfhelp guru, a grandee, a narcissist, a floating egg, a dangling modifier, a migraine, a stepinfelchit, a spider, a tykophage, a finicky sponge, a tendentious cretin, a cartocephalic, a magnum carter, a fugger, a neohanseatic, a sordeswallower, an amicidal trail of amentia, a suckwad, a territory tout, a mugger, a shambling mockery, an urgent call to octogenerial on down abortion, a dank crotch, a fragged ghost, a milktoast, a tepid sip, an acidic esophagous, a torment, an ugly, a stacked deck, a three note fart, an Octavian, a Caligula, a zero, a farce to be wrecked herewith, a bloatheaded baby raper banging his head on an altar, a tall tale told by a first person idiot in sonic boom obduracy signifying nothing left, a poison mushroom, a cloud, a clod, a Kurtz, a klutz, a kaputtsker, a kibbutzer of cultures, a rectum with sphincter of invidious force—a real strangler that, a xenophop, a bucket of slop, a toad, the warts on same, a carcinomic alembic, a cyclops looking the other way, a futuristic anachronism, a poxy moron, a scree, a dopperganglia, a sinapst, an unrequited sinophile, a fluggist, a scroffs terrier, an effete fungus, a calipernian seer, a defiling rod, a wrungcock, a flung cock, a monk’s ox, a barrel of lapsus, a terrible craponus, a mountebank, a dirtball, a pissant, a stomp on a bum, a  fargone conclusion, a delphy delusion, an overt intrusion, a handkerchief passing for a man, a gaffe a minute, a pinhead, an appallbearer, a shrike, a liaison, a lesion making haste to infection, an adhesion (see stain), a stasis in the wrong places, a spurty can, a democrat, a demo, a Crassus, a Croesus, a thermoplyer, a bob to the surface, a micky finn, a sanitary puck of fluorescent green in a yellowing puddle at a roadside pissroom urinal, a cheatnik, a stasher, a terrorist, a pimp, a pusher, an insurance agent, a spent karma salesman, a tumbledumb, a ruse of a rube, a reason to rant, to rave, to riot, to rise, to raze, to rip tear and throttle, to wreak revenge.

I don’t like them.george-grosz-the-funeral-1917-18-636x301-1